In today’s posting on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we’d like to build on Tuesday’s post on emotional attraction by giving you easy, straightforward instructions for having a stress-reducing conversation. As you approach the “how was your day, dear?” conversation from a new perspective, draw on ideas from the following exercise.
Note: This exercise draws on the technique of “active listening.” The goal of active listening is to listen (not just hear) to the speaker’s words with empathy and without judgment. You certainly won’t be feeling emotional attraction to your partner if you feel like they aren’t listening to you. This is all well and good, but when applied in couples’ therapy, it often fails because couples are asked to use it when they are airing their gripes with each other.
However, we have found that this same listening technique can be extremely beneficial if specifically employed during discussions in which you aren’t your partner’s target. In this context, you’ll feel far more readily supportive and understanding of your partner (and vica versa) – strengthening your mutual love and trust. Here are eight guiding rules for having this discussion:
1. Take Turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. The major rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice.
3. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Try to stay intently focused on your partner.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your partner know that you can and are empathizing with what they are saying.
5. Take your partner’s side. This means being supportive, even if you think that part of his or her perspective is unreasonable. It’s all about perspective! Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees – if your relationship is important to you, it is likely more important than your opinion about the intricacies of your mate’s conversation with their boss. Again, understanding must precede advice.
6. Express a “we against others” attitude. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together. That you are a team.
7. Express affection. Hold your partner, put an arm on his or her shoulder, and say, “I love you.”
8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you by telling them just that.
Research has proven that emotional attraction is just as important as physical attraction in having great sex. If you are feeling emotionally rejected by your partner, chances are that you won’t be in the mood to make love. Try this active listening exercise this weekend and see how it affects the level of emotional attraction you feel for each other. You’ll thank us for it. Good luck!